Little funerals

When a pregnancy is terminated, most of the focus of care, rightly, is on the woman, and for obvious reasons. Less obvious, and normally not attended to at all, is the pain and grief that potential fathers may suffer.

Perhaps the saddest part is not being able to grieve at some special place, since normally no leave-taking  is possible. As a man, you might not even have known until afterwards. The web of life has been torn, the family tree has been damaged, and is best encouraged to mend when the life that didn't come to pass is acknowledged and grieved in meaningful ways, and released back to wherever it is that we all come from. This process is not even well understood nor even widely available for women, and men are normally expected to provide support (rightly) rather than express or begin to attend to their own pain.

It can be a huge step forward to create a leave-taking ceremony, a little funeral, that gathers in and expresses all your deepest feelings of loss in a way that is wholly authentic for men.

This process may be a beginning for you, or it may be an ending. Or a waystation on your bigger journey towards healing and recovery and recovering your lost fatherhood. It can greatly help to have a guide who can help you work through any obstacles that arise (they probably will) and encourage you to find an expression that brings into compassionate awareness all of your story, including your background in a faith or wisdom tradition, or in a purely humanist tradition, whether you remain within it or not.  The whole person needs the healing.

If you have a partner who went through this experience in a previous relationship, this may well have a hidden impact on your current relationship. This is a very difficult circumstance for both of you in ways that you might sense but not fully comprehend. And even when people are unaware at the conscious level that a child has been lost in this way, there can be deep effects in partners, siblings and even grandparents.

The great outdoors can be a starting place; nature is a great healer and men frequently feel more comfortable there than in an indoor setting. So, gardens or woodland, or open heath or moorland are all beautiful places ('thin' places in celtic spirituality) to consider. You may have your own inspirations. Sometimes an obvious place will come to mind once your begin to consider the options.

Begin with yourself. You don't need to tell anyone else, but sometimes a small group of men can help each other.